Honestly I blow it on a daily basis, and I am SO thankful for God’s gift of grace. But there was a period in my life where I completely turned away from God and did what I wanted, running with arms wide open into sin. I have mentioned the sinful relationship I had before. Every part of it was wrong, he was going through a divorce and we were practically living together. He said the right things and I gave myself away. I tried to justify the situation in my mind, listening to Satan’s lies and his lies that “everyone was doing it”. What I thought would bring me happiness and fulfillment left me more lonely, broken and full of shame and regret than I ever imagined. I thought I would try to live “like everyone else was” in the world and just “do my own thing”. I had grew up being the good girl and following the rules and for some reason pictured God as this stern father who prevented me from pleasure and having fun and that could not have been further from the truth. In reality God was trying to save me from heartache and destruction. When the relationship started I pulled away from my Christian friends and shut them out of my life, didn’t attend church regularly or read the Bible ( I was afraid what God would show me by reading it). I kept thinking if I could do more “good things” I could work my way back to where I was, if I would just do this and that, then I thought I could be accepted again, but the problem was, I still was living in sin. I tried many times throughout the span of the relationship, but it was like a drug, I kept being sucked back in for more and I fell deeper and deeper into depression and felt like I had fallen too far and God wouldn’t want anything to do with me after how I had been living.
Then a Christian friend of mine whom I grew up with, and hadn’t talked to her in probably a year or so during this time, and definitely didn’t tell her about the relationship I was in; she sent me a card and I knew when I read it that God was using her to bring me back to Him. I still have the card and keep in on my fridge as a daily reminder it reads:
“In hard times she learned three things—
She was stronger than she ever imagined.
Jesus was closer than she ever realized,
And she was loved more than she ever knew.”
After I read that, I felt like the prodigal son God was calling back home. Tears were streaming down my face, it was as if God sent that right to me. What the card said was exactly what I needed to be reminded of, it was saturated with God’s mercy and grace! God was close, He was so madly in love with me that He chose me and died for me, no man or relationship will ever bring me satisfaction apart from Him. I needed to be completely fulfilled with Him and nothing else and give Him my whole heart. I removed myself from that situation, repented and it felt as if this huge cloud that had been following me was gone and there was the Son reaching out and extending His forgiveness and gift of grace! Oh how I love Jesus!!